Sometimes I'm okay, but most of the time I hope I am.

There will always be a time when you want to feel special... Very special. Extra special.

Where

do

broken

hearts

go?

Hugot sa kadlawn

Feb. 4, 15

Certain things have changed since the night I wrote my first letter here. I don’t know if the changes that happened made me happy or if it was for the better. The morning after that, I decided to let go, though I knew it won’t be easy but I tried my best and I have been trying my best to be consistent in whatever I have started. I got better and better each day, and eventually have assessed and sort my feelings out. I knew that i was unsure of how I will be labeling or categorizing my feelings, but one thing’s for sure at that moment, I knew, myself that I was done hoping, waiting and wanting, and that for a certain reason, I did not know why I felt that way. Days passed, I got along well. I got through every day. I was sad but alive. In the point of breaking down but was still willing to fight. It went like that for few weeks until I knew about her. Until I’ve read your text messages about you being happy with her. About you, feeling the magic you used to feel for me. All the feelings came back and along came the pain, the hatred and the memories that brought nothing but the fact that it is only a memory. Just when I thought I’m fine, you came in and shattered everything in me again. The wall that was built out of tears, idling and hoping came to waste. How do I ever get away with this pain? Because I’m already tired of dealing with you and the memories and pain that you left. It could have been the pain that left, why does it have to be you. Why did leave me with pain? You could have run away with it because I don’t need it. I needed you. I cared for you. I loved you. Now, I’m no longer sure if love is enough to heal the pain that you’ve cost me. I just want to be numb, to feel nothing for you, maybe then, I’d be able to move on and be the happiest I should have been, could have been and would have been. I hope it’s as easy as saying goodbye, but No. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’ll have to live with an ex girl friend fixated with the idea of love and you.

A Z A R r r r r

Jan. 11, 15

Hi? Honestly, wala ko kabalo kung unsa jud akong na feel karon. I thought I’ve gone half way in the process of forgetting you, but there you are, there you go again, lighting up your network in me. Can’t you see that I’m trying to shut it down? Abi nko wala na. That’s what I tell myself and others pero ngano man? Ngano ana man ka? 1 year kapin na oh, hapit naman gani mag 2 years pero nganong hangtod karon ikaw pa man gihapon? Nganong hangtod karon sakit paman gihapon? Wala ko kabalo kung tinanga or Love pa ni? One-sided man kaayo. Kapoy pud baya. Kapoy emote kapoy pretend na happy nko, kapoy pretend na nka move on nko. Truth is, I am still hoping. Naga asa pako sa biskan gamay lang na chance. Bisan masuko sila sa ako ngano wala pa gihapon ko nahuman sa imo, pero unsaon man nko na dili man mapugos. Ana pka di nimo kaya malayo sa ako, pero ikaw pa naigbulag. Wa man lang ka nakig sturya. Nakig sturya ta ka. Gi ingnan tana ko nimo unsay problema basi diay kaya pa isolve dba? Pero gi solo lang man nimo. Isa ka tuig kapin naman tana oh, katas na ana na time. Sakit baya na ikaw, happy nka nya ako… he he? When will I ever get over you? Tanga man gud kaayo. Feel nko, ginapababaw no akong self sa pag-asa ug ing’ani ka dugay sa imo tas wala koy makuha. Maghulat nlng ko na mag kusa na ug give up akong heart, hangtod sa di na niya kaya. Until it numbs because of pain. Until the time where I no longer have to fake the feelings.  Di mani madala ug pugos oy. Kabalo ka, bitter na kaayo ko. Kanang kaayo. It even came to a point where I hated seeing couples of the same age as ours or kanang basta di pa mag asawa. I had trust issues then. I wished other couples to break up. I didn’t like sweet talks and love stories because I always thought of them as make believe. But I was craving for love at the same time. Sometimes, I force myself to watch love stories para maski didto man lang kiligon ko, pero maibog lang man ko tapos masakitan. Kablo ka, katong nahubog ko, gina palayo jud nko akong self sa imo kay basin unsa akong maingon, kay basig ma break down ko into tears but at the same time I wanted you to see me suffer, to see me in pain because of what you did to me and make you realize how bad the impact was to me pero I was really hoping na muduol ka kay naga care paka. I didn’t even saw you glance at me. I was rooting for that the whole time kay basi diay mutan’aw ka, at least maka balo ko na naga care paka. Pero wala man. Mao pagka alumni, galikay jud ko na mutan’aw or mupansin. Aaaaaaa! Sakit jud kaayo. Sakit jud. Kanang asdfghjkl nga sakit nga di ma explain. Pag ingon daan be kung mubalik paka para di masayang akong time sa pag hulat pero kung dili na, pag ingon pud daan para di nko mag sig hulat and eventually maka move on na. Relax lang, kaya ko ni. Ako pa!

Post title

Love is a game, wanna play?